Relief

I’m tired and sore. My eyelids resist my wakefulness at all costs, punishment for the too few hours of sleep I reward myself with. After a solid couple of months gone without a cigarette, I’ve been chain-smoking for the past couple of days. I’ve started drinking again and actuallyenjoying it once more, finding it much easier to succumb to it’s numbing and inebriating effects without having to be responsible for any of the belligerent and promiscuous women around me.

I go out now and genuinely enjoy the company of the people around me rather than simply tolerate them for someone else’s sake. I laugh with them, not at them. I find them stimulating and engaging instead of simple and dull. I don’t hesitate to call these people MY friends. Going out and drinking no longer entails being bored in a crowd of people until disaster strikes and I have to clean up the mess. I no longer have to decide between the tedium of do nothing at home, and the impending doom of going out with people I don’t like.

The tension I’ve been carrying within me is dissipating with the fact that I no longer have to constantly explain my motives or intentions to anyone; that I can decide to do whatever I want without having to care or consider anyone else’s feelings; That I can decide to not go out and not be made to feel like a piece of shit about it; that I can decide to go out without having to check in or else be bombarded with infuriating questions and accusations. I can play starcraft for hours on end without boring anyone who has no obligation to be bored by me, and seemingly does so only to irritate me. I’m free to do whatever whenever without having to make room for a clinging shackle weighing me down.

My life has broken out of the tedious routine. I find the absurdity in being humorous again, instead of constraining. I’ve seldom been so exhausted, but I feel alive again. I’m catching back up on my youth.

With the succubus gone, my soul is returning.

relief